Dear Uber Driver Hosting a Full International Conference Call

Dear Uber Driver Hosting a Full International Conference Call,

Thank you for picking me up for what I naïvely believed would be a calm 30-minute ride. But the moment I sat down, you immediately launched into a multi-person speaker-phone call in a language I do not speak… and at a volume usually reserved for fire drills and nightclub DJs.

Sir, it is 6pm on a Monday night. Most people are decompressing, listening to music, or questioning their life choices. Meanwhile, you are apparently chairing a global summit inside your Toyota with five other people who all have powerful opinions and questionable microphone etiquette.

This call had EVERYTHING:

• Multiple voices shouting over each other

• Someone who kept coughing directly into the speaker

• At least one person eating, loudly, during the agenda

• And another who sounded like they were calling from deep inside a wind tunnel

At one point, things got so chaotic that I wasn’t even part of the conversation but still felt emotionally involved — like I was being unwillingly onboarded into a job I didn’t apply for.

Meanwhile I’m in the back seat, holding my water bottle like an emotional-support item, praying your international group chat ends before my sanity does.

By the time we arrived, I couldn’t tell if I owed you a tip or if you owed me a consulting fee for attending your Monday-night leadership meeting.

Sincerely,

Passenger Who Understands 0% of the Language but 100% of the Drama