Dear Straight Swinger Couple Who Clocked Me at the Resort Pool

Dear Straight Swinger Couple Who Clocked Me at the Resort Pool,

First of all, thank you for your confidence. Truly. It takes bravery to approach a stranger lounging peacefully by the pool, wearing sunglasses and minding his gay little business, and decide: “Yes. That one. He’s our guy.”

Unfortunately, we need to clear something up immediately. I am gay. Capital G. Certified. Card-carrying. Your husband’s tan line, your wife’s ankle bracelet, and the aggressively long eye contact did not awaken anything in me except confusion and a sudden desire to get up and “check my room.”

I watched the approach happen in real time. The whispered strategizing. The synchronized body language. The way you both casually sat down way too close like you were about to pitch me on a timeshare… but make it deeply personal.

Then came the opener.

“So… where are you from?”

Ah yes. The universal swinger mating call.

To be clear, I respect the lifestyle. Live your truth. Swing freely. But this was not a match. This was not chemistry. This was a gay man trying to enjoy a poolside cocktail while realizing he had accidentally wandered into Straight White Lotus: Threesome Edition.

I politely disengaged, retreated to the shallow end, and spent the rest of the afternoon pretending my phone was extremely interesting.

Sincerely,

Gay, Unavailable, and Just Here for the Guacamole

(currently scanning the pool for a single gay man or at least a friendly lesbian)