Dear Peacock App Who Abandoned Me in Spain During the Traitors Finale

Dear Peacock App Who Abandoned Me in Spain During the Traitors Finale,

Ciao, my loves. It is I, Sassy Sorentina, writing to you from Spain, where the tapas are flowing, the sangria is fabulous, and my emotional stability has been absolutely shattered because the Peacock app refuses to function outside the United States and Canada.

Now normally, I respect boundaries. Countries have borders. Apps have regions. Fine. But you’re telling me that in the year of our Lord streaming television, I cannot watch the finale of The Traitors because I dared to cross the Atlantic?

Excuse me?

Do you know what I had to do instead? I have spent the last 24 hours piecing together the finale through tiny TikTok clips like a detective solving a murder. Thirty seconds here. A reaction video there. Someone filming their television vertically from their couch in Ohio.

I have seen Alan Cumming’s cloak from three different angles and I still don’t know what happened. One clip shows screaming. Another clip shows someone crying. Then suddenly someone is a Traitor. Then suddenly someone is not. It’s like watching a psychological thriller edited by a raccoon.

Meanwhile I am sitting in a perfectly beautiful café in Spain refreshing TikTok like a woman who has lost control of her life.

And the spoilers! Oh the spoilers. Everyone on the internet already knows who won except me because I’m out here assembling the finale like a reality TV jigsaw puzzle.

Peacock, darling. If I can order paella from my phone in a foreign country, surely I should be able to watch a group of reality stars accuse each other of betrayal while wearing velvet capes.

Do better.

Sincerely,

Sassy Sorentina 💋

(Currently refreshing TikTok for Part 17 of someone’s shaky living room footage of the finale)