Dear Parents of the Free-Range Toddler in 14C

Dear Parents of the Free-Range Toddler in 14C,

Congratulations! You’ve officially given birth to the first unsupervised Spirit Animal of aviation: a toddler now crawling solo down the aisle as we push back from the gate. While the rest of us are buckled in, tray tables locked, and silently praying for upgrades, your child has launched into Mission Impossible: Airport Edition—on hands and knees, collecting lint and questionable pretzel dust as if it were treasure.

At this moment, your little explorer is halfway to First Class, the captain is probably adding “baby obstacle course” to the pre-flight checklist, and I’m over here wondering if Delta now offers an Aisle-Crawling Loyalty Program.

Friendly reminder: the seatbelt sign is on, we are moving, and this is not a Montessori jungle gym at 30,000 feet. If I wanted to dodge crawling humans, I’d have signed up for a Tough Mudder, not Delta Flight 482 to Austin.

Sincerely,

Seatbelted in 12B (now bracing for the moment your toddler decides to pull my shoelaces mid-takeoff)